If Donald Trump wants to believe that the UK is a radical Islamic ‘no-go area’, then who are we to judge him?


What an encouraging boost for amateur filmmakers, that the President of America is willing to promote small independent films, as he has this week. Even though he must be busy running a superpower, he found time to put on Twitter some low budget pieces of work made by the imaginative fascist group Britain First, because he knows how much this must mean to their creative minds.

One of the fascists’ films is called “Muslim migrant beats up Dutch boy on crutches”, and shows an argument between two Dutch people, neither of which are Muslim, though this was an easy mistake to make as Holland is a country in which boys on crutches are a famously persecuted minority by the Islamic government.

Trump could follow this up with a clip from Blue Planet, showing a fight between a puma and an iguana, and say “here David Attenborough describes a Muslim harassing a diabetic unicorn on the streets of Stow-on-the-Wold”.

For those of us who live in Britain, we need more of these clips from the President, to warn us where else is dangerous. He’ll tweet, “This Muslim is forcing an elderly woman to stand upright on a chair screaming for help” and show a scene from Tom and Jerry.

Or, “Here’s evidence Muslims arrows are poisoning our digestive systems” and show an advert for Rennies indigestion tablets.

White House spokeswoman Sarah Sanders explained: “Whether it’s a real video, the threats are real” – and that’s the main thing when assessing evidence. We pay too much regard to whether stuff we hear is true. Even if it’s made up, if we believe it’s true then it’s real.

So if we convince ourselves Muslims are all dangerous, then they are. It’s hard to know how this works out for sure, because there are no precedents in history for people of one religion being blamed for everything by fascists, who made up stories to prove their case. But if there was I’m sure it all sorted itself out in the end.  

Court cases should follow the Sarah Sanders rule, so a judge can say “members of the jury, you have heard that Mrs Prendergast is 86 and hasn’t left her cottage for nine years and spends all day watching repeats of Wheel of Fortune on Challenge TV. But never mind that, because I find her terrifying, so the threat is real. And the prosecution made a film called The Prendergast Heist, in which two Dutch people have an argument, and they claim is Mrs Prendergast breaking into a vault in Hatton Garden. So she looks guilty to me”.

In the same way the President will continue his quest to warn the people of Britain via Twitter. Next week he’ll tell us “Bad Muslims turn Lake Windermere into Mosque! Pleasure boats made to travel all way round dome. Not fair. Must stop!!”

Or “Britain’s pole-vault team taken over by Muslims. Team came last because burqas tangled with pole!! Disgusting!”

Or, “New evidence shows Muslims all kneel to cause earthquakes! I have proof! Science!”

One of Trump’s supporters, Ann Coulter, excused the President, saying he endorsed the films because “he’s responding to a petition for a ban” in coming to Britain.

This is a fair point, that we started it by objecting to him in the first place, just because he boasted about “grabbing a woman’s pussy” and preventing people from Muslim countries coming to America. That’s all he did and we completely overreacted with a petition.

Faced with that level of violence, there’s not much else he could do. We all do it, someone pushes in front of us in a queue for the bus, so we go home and post a film made by fascists saying they beat up Dutch boys on crutches. We can’t turn the other cheek ALL the time.

On top of this, you can see why it’s so confusing for Trump because in America no one ever behaves violently in a public place. Some towns go as long as a fortnight without anyone filming themselves screaming that they’ve been ordered by a talking llama to reap mighty vengeance upon the shopping mall in Parsleytown, before incinerating 80 people in a shoe shop with a flame thrower that came free with a packet of Strepsils.

So we shouldn’t reconsider whether Trump is invited here for a state visit, especially as the Queen will especially look forward to it, because she can have some peace while Trump sits in the back room showing Philip some YouTube clips posted by an assortment of fascists, encouraging him to dance through the Palace to white supremacist heavy metal bands.

Many people react to Trump’s pronouncements by assuming this time he’s gone too far, and now surely he’ll have to stop. But it may be doubtful that anyone who’s gone along with him so far will be outraged by one more thing.

Yesterday he sent a tweet to Theresa May, defending himself, except he initially sent it to the wrong Theresa May, so it might be worthwhile, propping him up on some cushions and leaving him alone with his iPhone all day. At least while he’s mucking about on Twitter he’s not blowing us up, and he’ll just send rude messages to a Jeremy Corbyn who works in a Jaffa Cake factory, and keeps him busy for a few years, making the world safe.

And we can stop Trump coming here without causing a diplomatic incident. We tell him we can’t guarantee his safety as the entire country is a no-go area and the Queen has converted to the Jihadist Brotherhood, and has already taken nine people hostage, including the King of Norway, and Gary Barlow who was collecting his OBE.